


Time Bastard

by robertstanion



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: F/M, Mild descriptions of violence, Songfic, The Apotheosis - Freeform, fuck paul (derogatory)/j, mild time bastard spoilers, nobody lives, song: Time Bastard - Kim Whalen, take a shot every time i say fuck starting now, ted always calls emma 'erika', ted and jenny pov, time bastard references, where ted doesn't get murdered by peip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:54:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: Ted Spankoffski believed that, after Emma went back for Paul after he got captured by that Greg guy, he was getting off the island. Fuck everyone else, this was for him and him only. Maybe he could get to Clivesdale again, let himself have a second chance…but what was the need when she was already there for him.
Relationships: Carol Davidson/Mr. Davidson, Jenny/Andrew Kilgore, Jenny/Ted Spankoffski, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins (Mentioned), Sam/Charlotte (mentioned), Ted/Charlotte (mentioned)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Time Bastard

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics are in italics embedded by speech marks. it does become obvious what is singing and what's not-

He stopped running, dragging his hand over his face, rubbing his nose. He pocketed the gun, placing his hands on his knees, panting heavily. Did he regret not running after Paul? No. Fuck Paul. He had Erika now. _Fuck_ Erika as well! Where the fuck had she even come from? If it hadn’t been for _Erika_ then they’d have been off the island hours ago! Fucking Erika and that fucking Professor that led to Charlotte’s fucking demise, and got his best friend, Paul, fucking captured.

And now he was alone.

Alone in the middle of nowhere, well, if nowhere was the centre of Hatchetfield- He was in Oakley Park. And he was told, by Paul, that the fuckin’ military would be in the park by 11. Well, he’d certainly lied. He was still convinced he was dreaming, or his drunken mind had made this ten times worse. Only in _Hatchetfield_ could he get trapped in a musical apocalypse. He didn’t mind a musical, he didn’t mind going to see a musical at The Starlight every now and again, but he was _never_ a performer himself! It sparked his determination further. Now, this was Theodore Spankoffski against the world. Fuck Hatchetfield, fuck Paul, fuck Erika, and _fuck_ his life.

He spluttered, his breath trapped in his tightened chest. There was a reason he worked in an office. In his office, he had a cubicle, and in that cubicle he had all the freedom he needed. Half the time, he wasn’t even doing the work! Mr Davidson didn’t need to know that, though. Well, who was he kidding? Hearing Mr Davidson sing about choking his wife while he jacked off was weird enough. It had to be like…the _second_ weirdest thing that’d happened today. The first was definitely seeing Paul so lovesick. He grimaced. He hated love. Love fucking sucked.

He pressed his back against one of the greying buildings behind him, one of the taller office blocks. It probably wasn’t occupied. It looked like it could host an entire apocalypse in it’s walls by how dirty it looked. It looked like the kind of space he’d go after someone’s wedding with a desperate bridesmaid looking for a sloppy hook-up. He could only deliver what he knew best. That meant not getting attached and fucking anybody and _everybody_ who asked for it.

Then there was Charlotte. Dammit, he’d made a promise to himself that there would be no other girl after Jenny, that Jenny was gonna be the only girl for him. Yet, he recognised the feelings of love early on, even before she came to his for the sex. How he felt his chest tighten whenever she was crying, how he became overly enraged about how Sam treated her as Bill liked to put it. He recognised it all from when he was naïve with Jenny.

Jenny Kilgore, soft red hair and vibrant green eyes who had been his closest friend back in college. He’d been her Teddy, and if he’d have just _confessed_ instead of being a fucking coward, maybe she’d be Jenny Spankoffski instead of having _Andy’s_ surname. He read that letter. He read that letter and Andrew Kilgore enraged him. He didn’t know Jenny like he did. He would _never_ know Jenny like he did.

But Jenny was safely tucked away in Clivesdale living her life, most likely unaware of the apocalypse. Did she remember him? Most likely not. Ted learned very often once you came into a sum of money larger than life then you forgot who you used to be. Though he wanted to believe Jenny was telling the truth in that letter he’d received in college, he couldn’t. He couldn’t believe Mrs Kilgore wanted to be his girlfriend at one point. She fell for a pushy asshole so he became the pushy asshole, and he still wasn’t good enough for her.

When would he ever be worthy of her love?

He coughed again, into his sleeve the second time, looking at what was left of the island he’d spent all of his life on. A thick, twinkling grey fog was dancing around the park, flitters of blue light somewhat like electricity appearing occasionally, trying to grasp Ted as if he’d be willing to let everything go. Maybe he would be willing to let everything go. Paul had Erika, Jenny had Andy and Charlotte died by the side of her _fucking HUSBAND-_

He grit his teeth, looking around. He ran his hand through his hair. Paul had said that the military were coming to get him. It was 11 PM sharp so where the hell _were they?!_ Maybe Paul had been lying. When he spoke about the general, his eyes had lit up in a way he’d only seen when Charlotte discussed how Sam had been nice to her for a total of one minute. That was stupid. An apocalypse was no time for love. Everything was stupid. He was waiting to see the helicopter, but the fog was making it incredibly difficult to differentiate what was what. All he could determine was he had his back pressed against a building that looked like something directly out of a horror movie. It was certainly a cliché.

He could have sworn he heard something in front of him, but as far as he’d been concerned he was alone. That was until the smoke parted. He looked in front of him and saw a figure all too familiar. He convinced himself then that he was past sober and he’d had too much to drink. It happened when he went to ask Jenny out and it happened again with her right in front of him. Her red hair cascaded over her shoulders in fixed waves and she was dressed in her wedding dress, an off-white coloured thing that he’d only ever seen in photos. He refused to go to her wedding. He hadn’t wanted to see her marry another man, yet here she was.

“Jenny?” His voice cracked, straightening his posture immediately afterwards. He watched as her mouth turned into a smile, and she nodded slowly. “Holy shit! Jenny! What are you doing here?!” He tried to look for any evidence of rings on her left hand, but it was covered by a bouquet of orange and red flowers, the very same she wore in her hair. He approached her and took her wrist, looking into her eyes. Almost as soon as he’d taken her wrist, he let it drop.

Her eyes were blue.

He thought it was just one of the Professor’s mad theories, that the spores turned the iris of the eye blue, tainting the blood so that the red turned blue. Seeing the theory come true in front of his own eyes in the woman he loved, the _first_ woman he’d ever loved…it was a worrying sight. “Jenny?” He asked, his voice sterner, more desperate. “Jenny, don’t say it isn’t true…”

The originally green-eyed woman tilted her head at him, tipping her head back to look at him. She no longer recognised what emotion was in his eyes that was plaguing him. She knew he wasn’t worthy unless he joined her, joined _them._ She stayed still as the rhythm was fed into her brain by her master, Pokotho, and her shoulders dropped. She relaxed, continuing to look up to Ted as words began to tumble from her mouth. _“Time Bastard.”_

Ted could only look on in concern, furrowing his eyebrows. “What?”

 _“You got some place else to be? Maybe some other time? Maybe somewhere far from me?”_ She watched as Ted backed away, pressing against the grey bricks. Her entire vision was made of a bluey-grey colour palette, but he was consumed by yellow. A certain bastard, someone who ran around a liar. To think she loved him once was a disgrace.

“Jen, you- you _know_ that ain’t true right!? I-I’d never- Jenny _please_ stop singing, not you as well!” Not after Charlotte. Why was she even in _Hatchetfield!?_

 _“I know it’s you I’m thinking of.”_ She jabbed a finger directly at Ted’s chest, watching as he flinched by that small part. _“Only one bastard’s got no time for love.”_

“Jenny…” his voice filled with despair. He had loved her, and he had loved Charlotte. He sent a letter back in return to Jenny explaining his own feelings and how he’d been a coward to wait so long. The page had been tear stained. Had that not been enough for her? Clearly it hadn’t. She’d already moved with Andy and sworn to not go back to Hatchetfield, to move on with her life. Had she really had to come back to Hatchetfield to torment him in such a drastic manner? Especially with the blue eyes, and the singing, and _fuck_ , she was one of them! He shook his head, softly whispering _no_ as, once again, she approached him.

 _“You run around with no regret or ounce of shame.”_ Jenny walked over to him, and as she did so, the fog seemed to clear to form a pathway. It just so happened that Andrew fucking _Kilgore_ was standing on that pathway, his arm at an odd angle, as was his neck. She dragged a hand up Ted’s chest, ignoring how he flinched and his breath hitched. “ _You run around, you think you’ll fix it all the same.”_

“Jenny, I’m not _trying_ to fix anything!” _But Teddy had been,_ Ted couldn’t help but think as Jenny cupped his cheek, looking right into his eyes. He could see in full the effect that The Apotheosis was having on people now. Those eyes, those soft bluey green eyes she’d always had were now full of electrical sparks and seemed to be permanently coated in a teary gaze. The smile she wore was different, fake. He wanted to shake her back to reality, save her, but she was right…he couldn’t fix her. He couldn’t fix Charlotte, he couldn’t fix the mess that he put himself in. So, why was he contemplating saving Jenny when it was clear she was already too far gone?

She shook her head, letting go of his cheek, still looking into those eyes of his. _“You’re a masterful criminal. But the bastard has time to fall.”_ Above them both, a clap of thunder sounded. Jenny took the advantage of the distraction by dropping her flowers and grabbing Ted’s shoulders and holding him back in place against the wall, ignoring the almost painful crack that his thin body gave when he was held back against the stone. She could hear her old friends and family singing behind her, Andy, her cousins, Ted’s younger brother, Bill Woodward, _everyone_ Ted had ever loved, ever known, was behind her in a sickening symphony.

 _“Keep, keep running away, you-. Keep, keep running away, you bastard. You bastard, keep running away,”_ they sang, and Jenny tilted her head. She no longer understood the emotion that filled her ex-crush’s eyes. Her eyes had been opened to the endless possibilities Pokotho could give her. If only Ted would comply; it would make his death less dramatic.

“ _Time Bastard.”_ She sang at him, tightening her grip on his shoulder, staring him down. She watched as a tear fell down his face. She couldn’t understand why. She would no longer understand why he felt so saddened by this event. It was a miracle. He’d learn to see it. They’d _all_ learn to see it. One minute, she was staring him down and the next, she was in Andy’s arms, inches from the floor. Her eyes darted over to where Ted was. He’d ran over to another building and ducked behind the alleyway. It hadn’t been enough to save him. He should have tried harder.

 _“Keep running away,”_ the others sang as Jenny pointed in the direction where he was, directing her chorus of musical singing henchmen to her victim, Andy helping her back to her feet. She had no time to thank him. There would never be enough time.

 _“You bastard, got no sense or dignity. Maybe you lost it? Maybe it’s your dignity?”_ She almost hummed as she dragged her leg along the grass that covered Oakley Park. It had snapped at some point, her blood staining the underside of her wedding dress, but she couldn’t feel the pain. Maybe she had at first, but it no longer hurt at all. Nothing hurt. She couldn’t feel pity towards anyone. Not even Ted. She stood at the end of the alleyway, her chorus behind her, Ted’s frantic look in his eyes becoming wilder when he spotted her.

“Jenny, _please_! I don’t wanna have to shoot you- Jenny!” Ted had to swallow a sob, his entire body shaking from where he’d been pinned against the wall. He didn’t want to die! He wanted to get out of here, get himself a redemption! Because, even if he _was_ a massive dick, Ted Spankoffski believed that, after Emma went back for Paul after he got captured by that Greg guy, he was getting off the island. Fuck everyone else, this was for him and him only. Maybe he could get to Clivesdale again, let himself have a second chance…but what was the need when she was already there for him? He couldn’t save her now. He couldn’t save anyone now. They were gone. Maybe he had to accept his fate, that he wasn’t ever going to have a future.

Jenny’s smile turned into a snarl as she outstretched her arm again, pointing directly at him, ignoring everyone else. _“Don’t you come walking through my door!”_ She allowed herself to step to the side as a younger boy, one with curly hair and broken glasses stepped beside her, the same blue shit currently pouring from the wound in her leg dripping down his chin. She heard a sob come from Ted’s mouth, but she couldn’t understand why. Why wasn’t he happy? Didn’t he _want_ his little brother to be happy after all? _“I know, I’ve seen it. Many, many times before!”_ She growled, stepping towards him, further down the alleyway, watching as he shook the metal gate, hoping it’d open. Who could forget that gate hadn’t been opened since the _80s?!_

“Please- fuck, oh God, I’m so sorry! Let me live, I’ll make myself better I promise! I made that promise to Paul and I’ll make that promise to you!” Ted shut his eyes, the lock on the gate rattling uselessly as the signing approached him again.

 _“You sneak around, you think there’s only one of you.”_ Jenny reached forward and grasped his arm, tugging him forward into her arms, holding him still. _“But, I followed once or twice. And now this game has two.”_ Continuing to sing, she took the arm of Ted’s younger brother and moved him beside Ted.

“Please, Ollie, not you too, please…” Ted shook his head as he looked at his brother, but the younger teen tilted his head confused. He looked like he was about to give a definite reply, but only notes came in lyrics instead of words.

 _“You’re a masterful criminal,”_ he sang, more of the same blue shit dripping down his chin.

 _“But the student will be your fall.”_ Jenny continued, taking her song back as the chorus behind her took their place. They dragged their own limbs heavily, and as she let go of Ted, they grabbed a hold of him. She turned, walking back to the middle of Oakley park, allowing the chorus to follow her, pulling a squirming Ted with her.

 _“Keep, keep running away, you-“_ Bill sang to Ted, gripping Ted tightly, watching as Ted flinched, a twisted smile on his face.

 _“Keep running away.”_ Jenny span back around, facing Ted. She couldn’t help but _feel_ some sort of emotion towards him. Bitterness? Possibly. Why did he wait so long to ask her out? Sure, life with Andy wasn’t terrible, but she’d never wanted the upper-class man from Pinebrook. She’d only ever wanted her Teddy, and he chose alcohol over her.

 _“Keep, keep running away.”_ Andy sang that time, gripping Ted’s forearm tighter, taking him to his leader, his own wife, his _rose._

 _“Running away!”_ Jenny smiled at her husband, watching as he did his job. Even though Andy was usually away for business trips, it never meant he wasn’t reliable.

 _“You bastard,”_ Bill and Andy sang in unison, watching as the unusual emotion gathered more and more in the bastard’s eyes.

 _“Bastard!”_ Jenny pointed her hand back out at him, watching as he flinched once more. 

_“You bastard,”_ Ollie and one of her cousins sang towards him, and Jenny smiled. Her plan was falling into place.

_“Bastard!”_

_“Keep running away.”_ The lot of them sang together, Andy and Bill dropping him mercilessly on to the floor. Jenny took the opportunity to approach him. She placed her heeled shoe on to his chest. With another pressure, he’d be a goner, just like the rest of them. In seconds, he’d be one of them. He would see what it meant to be happy. _HE WOULD LEARN!_

_“Oh, you think I have time for you? Thought I wanted to erase your every move?”_

“No, Jenny, I never thought that, I-“ Ted winced as Jenny applied pressure to his chest. He sucked in a breath, still praying he’d be able to make it out alive. He had to. He was _Theodore fucking Spankoffski!_ He couldn’t go out at the hands of the girl he ~~used to~~ loves. He’d be remembered as pathetic! If…if he was remembered at all, that was.

“ _You **bastard.** I don’t care where you’ve been! I need to know when it began!” _

“With- with Charlotte?” He stuttered, running a hand through his hair, changing the parting in it yet again. “It wasn’t too long ago, a few years or so- _Jenny I love you!”_

 _“And where were you then!?”_ She allowed herself to snap, digging her heel into Ted’s chest. She retracted her foot, placing it on the floor, looking down at Ted, watching as blood spurted from the new cavern in his chest. He would learn. He was going to learn how to love, how to be happy, how to be remembered as someone good. “ _Keep, keep running away, you! Keep, keep running away, you bastard! You bastard!”_ She got on the floor, placing her hands either side of him to balance. She felt his shaking arms wrap around her waist. She looked to Andrew for permission, and once she nodded, she leaned closer to him. “ _Keep running away, you-“_

At the same time while she was singing, Ted, still in an extreme amount of pain, made his final mark on the island. “I love you,” he whispered, as he felt Jenny kiss him. He couldn’t help but kiss back. Maybe this was how they’d have been in an alternate universe, her on top of him, him below her, kissing on their wedding night, and she’d ride him until morning light. But she married Andy, and she was dead, and soon, he would be too. He felt a cold substance, probably the blue shit, hook on to the back of his throat. He let go of Jenny, pushing her off of him. He sat up, immediately grasping at his throat, shutting his eyes as tears flowed from them freely. However, with his eyes shut, he could see a blue, furred figure with a stone mask towering over him, and a yellow goat standing beside him, calling his name, laughing manically. He knew then exactly what had happened.

_He was dead._

_“Keep, keep running away, you- keep, keep running away you bastard.”_ Jenny sang as she stood back up, watching as with every cough, Ted became weaker. Only seconds later did he stop breathing completely. She took his hand gently, helping him stand, watching as he became the better version of himself. Those brown eyes she’d always loved gazing into became a vicious blue. She smiled contently, wiping some of the blue shit from his ‘brush-bush.’ _“You bastard, keep running away.”_

 _“Time Bastard…”_ he sang shakily.

She shrugged, proud of him, as a helicopter whirred behind them. They all turned, seeing several military figures jumping out, all armed. Jenny slid her hand into Ted’s and smiled. They couldn’t be defeated. Soon _they’d_ learn as well. After all, nobody could defeat the Time Bastard.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> even in death, mr spankoffski was a horny bastard. respecc.


End file.
